How do you grapple with stress? If you’re like most people, you just suck it up until your body, mind, and spirit waive the white flag of surrender. At some point, this “strategy” always reaches a breaking point and people tend to: (1) explode in anger, (2) break down physically and emotionally, or (3) straight-up panic. Sometimes you rotate through all three of these reactions like I do, right? Let’s call this our Stress Release Tango. My dance usually proceeds as follows:
- I internalize my stress, put my head down, and power on;
- That is . . . at least until my stress level becomes overwhelming;
- Then . . . I panic;
- Then . . . I explode at or near someone who doesn’t deserve it;
- Then . . . I break down by getting really sick or physically exhausted;
- Then . . . I harbor a strong desire to give up on whatever I was doing that caused this reaction. Doubt cascades and I lose confidence in other areas of my life too . . . for no reason. I say silly things like, “I can’t design my website very well, so I must also be a bad professor.” That’s isn’t even rational. But, I do it;
- Eventually, I get back up and try again. I always do that. I’m sucked in by the B.S. mantra, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
Ever been there? As my four-year-old niece says, “that’s icky, caca, poo-poo, Uncle Corey.” I couldn’t agree more.
The problem is that we humans are pretty tough. We can dance this tango again and again. We can focus our minds on other things and still function somewhat normally. We can skip meals and good sleep and still exist. We can run through relationships and just find some others; there are billions of people out there, we reason. But . . . this is all exhausting!!! And, this dance is terrible for our mind, body, and soul. In the end, these poor reactions to bundled-up stress are inflection points in our lives; moments where relationships are broken, values are compromised, and mistakes are made.
I can help you make it slow down and, eventually, stop! But first, you must be honest with yourself about your stress and its causes. It’s okay to keep getting up and trying again. That’s a noble and very attractive quality in a person. That’s not what I want to attack here. Instead, let’s go after what keeps pushing us down, the parts of life that try and bury us. As with everything we discuss here, I must also be honest with myself. So, I’ll go first.
My Ethics Blog Stress Confession
Let’s start with my stress confession. As I’ve mentioned previously, I have a stressful life. Thankfully, most of this stress is by choice. My health is good, my mind is sharp, and my family loves me. However, my job is hard – both mentally and physically. It’s stressful to travel across the country and then stand in front of thousands of people night after night and speak about becoming a better person. It’s not like I’m up there talking about puppies and rainbows. I can’t say that everyone comes in with an open mind; many people chafe when their character is put on the table.
It’s crucial that I communicate effectively and impart some wisdom, every time. I mean, these people paid good money to hear me. And, more importantly, I have an idea of what many of them are going through in terms of wresting with their character. I’ve received far too many “thanks-for-encouraging-a-different-direction-for-my-life” notes to realize that I just might be standing between these people and some life changing decisions. Someone needs to say this stuff. And, I just might be that messenger, that evening. I need my A-Game each night. And . . . that’s stressful.
With my students, it’s tough to lead a discussion on gun regulation versus the Second Amendment or on privacy versus the Fourth Amendment for two hours at a time. We live in tense times and people are on edge. But, I’ve found that many are just looking for some wisdom and guidance. My classes cover these issues plus abortion, immigration, elections, free speech, police shootings, offensive trademarks, and public policy in general. My students really want to know what the law says about these issues and whether the law functions ethically when it comes to these or any other hot button issue.
Therefore, I need to provide clear and accurate guidance in class. I best not be wrong too often on my facts, the law, or my ethical analysis. Someone will call me on it (probably some MBA student who is smarter than I am) and I’ll lose credibility in front of everyone. I better be interesting too, because I want my students to plug in, digest this information, and then use their knowledge to improve their communities. Perhaps they will then help our society learn to reason better instead of just screaming at each other. I need my A-Game each day in class. And . . . that’s stressful.
Finally, I have two very adorable kids. They take up a huge chunk of my heart. But, I also have two very little kids. They run around like wild animals most of the time. It’s a struggle for each of them just to put on pants. I repeat, pants. And, that happens every day. They can physically put on pants, no problem. It’s just funny to resist and watch daddy’s poor reaction. They wake up at odd hours too often and, most days, don’t really care if my wife and I get to eat, shower, or even go to the bathroom. I don’t think they believe we need to sleep at all. We just lurk around all night waiting for them to get up and feed them breakfast. It’s not intentional, mind you, they’re just irrational. As any parent of little ones can tell you . . . it’s wonderfully beautiful and extremely stressful at the same time.
As you can see, it’s easy for my life to devolve into a stress mess. A few years ago, as I was about to suck it up for the five-hundredth time, I came across this quote by Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” And, of course, that’s right.
I realized that day that I needed a different approach to my stress. It would literally be insane to keep putting my head down and plowing through this stuff. I was sick of the dance. But, I realized that my job isn’t going to change anytime soon and all of a sudden become easier. My kids aren’t going to magically become ten years older and easier to manage. Besides, I want that part to take forever even though it’s grueling at times. So, what I desparately needed was a different approach to coping with my stress. I needed to eliminate the stupid stress I carry and focus more on solving my big problems. I made it a goal that day to find a better stress management and stress reduction plan. And, after thinking about it for a long time, that is exactly what I discovered. These weekly tips are one of the ways I want to share that strategy with you.
A Better Way to Deal with Stress
We all carry stress. That’s actually a good thing, at least to a certain extent. In fact, stress is the body’s way of saying, “this will be challenging, but we can do this.” Stress exists to get our attention, to focus our minds. If each of us aren’t a little bit stressed most of the time, then we aren’t trying hard enough at life. Making a difference in a career, community, or family is hard. Success in anything worth having must be earned. So, a fulfilling life necessitates some stress.
The problem is we carry too much stress about the wrong things. We are haunted by the big stressors in our lives and then poked at by the little ones. So, here’s the secret. Radically decrease the minor stressors in your life so that you can deal more appropriately with the big ones. Let’s break this down:
There are certain things that we should stress over – major stressors, let’s call them. These are things like broken family relationships, a drug or alcohol problem, the inability to stop cheating in romantic relationships or at school / work, major unhappiness at work or in a career field, and other big life problems. These issues are major stressors and appropriately so. There is little I can do to help you here. Instead, you must dedicate the time and energy it takes to fight your way back into the light. To eliminate this type of stress, you may need to literally change your life.
The best way to accomplish life change is to first eliminate or significantly reduce our minor stressors. Minor stressors are things the that trouble us but really shouldn’t. In this category lies: perfectionism, impatience, failure to apologize when merely saying “I’m sorry,” could halt a fight. You know, the little-ish stuff that we could fix by just swallowing a little bit of pride, reacting differently, and accepting that we are humans who mess up and are never perfect. Remedying minor stressors is a prime area where we can saw major points off of our stress score.
These weekly tips will help you reduce / eliminate your minor stressors so that you can focus on the big stuff that is troubling you. There is nothing magic about these posts. So, please don’t expect that. They are just things you can do daily to focus your mind on letting go of the smaller stressors. Over time, your stress score will go down. Here we go . . .
Stress Reduction / Tip of The Week #1:
Watch the Sunset
My wife and I love to go on exotic vacations and watch the sunsets. Sometimes, that’s the main reason we pick a destination. It’s stunning to watch the sun go down over the Pacific Ocean in Hawaii, over Catalina Island in Southern California, over the Gulf of Mexico in Key West, or over Sydney Harbor in Australia. In many of these exotic places, the locals have sunset celebrations where everyone gathers and watches the main event in awe, together. It’s a big party and they do it every evening. For some reason, it never gets old to these locals. These also tend to be the places where people seem less stressed than the rest of the world. Perhaps this nightly celebration helps add some peace to a hectic life? Of course it does.
The funny thing is, the sun still sets where we live . . . every night! And, no one is stopping us from watching it . . . every night. How come it takes a vacation for us to find the time and patience to make that happen? That needs to change. And, it has for me.
I have a great view of the Rocky Mountains from my house. That’s really why I bought the place. It’s beautiful to sit on my back porch and watch the sun set over Long’s Peak (one of Colorado’s 14ers) – especially during the summer. After taking my own advice on this stress reduction plan, I have watched that happen a lot more often and it has made a difference. This brief respite from the world lets me gather my thoughts and count my blessings. I find myself smiling on the way back inside. Lately, I’ve been bringing the girls out to watch and roast marshmallows on the patio. It’s our fifteen-minute “Sunset Celebration.” It’s special to watch them “ooh” and “ahh” (mostly at the marshmallows and fire pit) and then come in the house smiling too. For Team C, watching the sunset is free stress therapy.
With this in mind, here is your homework: watch the sunset at least four of the seven times it sets this week – right from where you live! No need to go on vacation to gain the benefits from this tip. Promise me you will watch the whole thing – it just takes seven minutes or so. Here are some things to think about during those seven sacred minutes:
- REFLECT – ponder your stress confession. I told you mine. It’s healthy to accurately reflect upon your life. You should make that a habit. What are your major stressors? What are your minor stressors? Just list them out in your mind.
- COUNT – your blessings, that is. I want you to literally count some of them. Then, compare these wonderful things to the minor stressors in your life. This thought experiment will make the minor stuff seem a lot more minor, trust me. Just as the sunset makes my little problems seem insignificant, the counting of blessings refocuses my mind on the good stuff of life.
- CHOOSE – figure out a way to stop one minor stressor from occurring this week. Maybe you will drive slower to work. Maybe you will bite your lounge next time someone says something rude. Just pick one thing that is adding points to your stress score and cut it out of your life this week.
- SMILE – try and keep the calm state you gain from watching the sunset for the next hour or so as you go inside and back to real life. In other words, try to ease into a peaceful night. This peace will help prepare you for the battles which are certain to occur tomorrow.
Until Next Time
That’s it for this week. Watching the sunset may not seem like a lot, But, I’ve found that it’s important to take stress reduction slowly. Reducing stress is like becoming physically fit . . . it takes time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And, you won’t destress in a day, a week, or even a month. But, in the same way that your body responds to consistent and effective exercise, you will feel less stressed over time as you do this stuff. And, that’s a goal worth chasing.
I remain very confident that, if you do this consistently, your stress score will drop. You will then have more bandwidth to deal with life. And, that’s what our society needs more than anything – some people with the bandwidth to plug in to their families, their jobs, and their communities and make a bigger difference. You will never do this when you are overwhelmed with stress. At that point, you are just trying to get through to tomorrow. Just like I was. So, it’s time to stop the insanity and try something different. In this quest for a more peaceful and less stressed-out life, I wish you the Best of Success!
Check back next week for another tip.
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- Check out COREYSPEAKS.COM for more on popular keynote speaker Corey Ciocchetti. Corey has keynotes on happiness, integrity, ethical leadership, ethical decision-making, morale, stress reduction, and professionalism. Corey has spoken in 44 states and over 250 cities since 2007.
- Check out Corey’s other cool ethics blog posts on LEADERSHIP and HAPPINESS – you won’t regret it.
- Corey’s new book, INSPIRE INTEGRITY: CHASE AN AUTHENTIC LIFE is available now!
