Welcome back to our stress reduction series. My intention here is to help you reduce your minor stressors so you can focus on your major stressors. These tips also provide you more bandwidth to deal with an often tough and unfair life. Here are the tips so far:
WEEK #1: Watch The Sunset
WEEK #2 (today): Weed Out Your Life & Become More Efficient
If you’re new, please click on the light blue box just below. If you’ve been tracking with us, please jump past the box to get to the tip. Enjoy!
Just Tuning In To The Stress Series? Read This First
- I internalize my stress, put my head down, and power on;
- That is . . . at least until my stress level becomes overwhelming;
- Then . . . I panic;
- Then . . . I explode at or near someone who doesn’t deserve it;
- Then . . . I break down by getting really sick or physically exhausted;
- Then . . . I harbor a strong desire to give up on whatever I was doing that caused this reaction. Doubt cascades and I lose confidence in other areas of my life too . . . for no reason. I say silly things like, “I can’t design my website very well, so I must also be a bad professor.” That’s isn’t even rational. But, I do it;
- Eventually, I get back up and try again. I always do that. I’m sucked in by the B.S. mantra, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
Ever been there? As my four-year-old niece says, “that’s icky, caca, poo-poo, Uncle Corey.” I couldn’t agree more.
The problem is that we humans are pretty tough. We can dance this tango again and again. We can focus our minds on other things and still function somewhat normally. We can skip meals and good sleep and still exist. We can run through relationships and just find some others; there are billions of people out there, we reason. But . . . this is all exhausting!!! And, this dance is terrible for our mind, body, and soul. In the end, these poor reactions to bundled-up stress are inflection points in our lives; moments where relationships are broken, values are compromised, and mistakes are made.
I can help you make it slow down and, eventually, stop! But first, you must be honest with yourself about your stress and its causes. It’s okay to keep getting up and trying again. That’s a noble and very attractive quality in a person. That’s not what I want to attack here. Instead, let’s go after what keeps pushing us down, the parts of life that try and bury us.
As with everything we discuss here, I must also be honest with myself. So, I’ll go first.
My Ethics Blog Stress Confession
Let’s start with my stress confession. As I’ve mentioned previously, I have a stressful life. Thankfully, most of this stress is by choice. My health is good, my mind is sharp, and my family loves me. However, my job is hard – both mentally and physically. It’s stressful to travel across the country and then stand in front of thousands of people night after night and speak about becoming a better person. It’s not like I’m up there talking about puppies and rainbows. I can’t say that everyone comes in with an open mind; many people chafe when their character is put on the table.
It’s crucial that I communicate effectively and impart some wisdom, every time. I mean, these people paid good money to hear me. And, more importantly, I have an idea of what many of them are going through in terms of wresting with their character. I’ve received far too many “thanks-for-encouraging-a-different-direction-for-my-life” notes to realize that I just might be standing between these people and some life changing decisions. Someone needs to say this stuff. And, I just might be that messenger, that evening. I need my A-Game each night. And . . . that’s stressful.
With my students, it’s tough to lead a discussion on gun regulation versus the Second Amendment or on privacy versus the Fourth Amendment for two hours at a time. We live in tense times and people are on edge. But, I’ve found that many are just looking for some wisdom and guidance. My classes cover these issues plus abortion, immigration, elections, free speech, police shootings, offensive trademarks, and public policy in general. My students really want to know what the law says about these issues and whether the law functions ethically when it comes to these or any other hot button issue.
Therefore, I need to provide clear and accurate guidance in class. I best not be wrong too often on my facts, the law, or my ethical analysis. Someone will call me on it (probably some MBA student who is smarter than I am) and I’ll lose credibility in front of everyone. I better be interesting too, because I want my students to plug in, digest this information, and then use their knowledge to improve their communities. Perhaps they will then help our society learn to reason better instead of just screaming at each other. I need my A-Game each day in class. And . . . that’s stressful.
Finally, I have two very adorable kids. They take up a huge chunk of my heart. But, I also have two very little kids. They run around like wild animals most of the time. It’s a struggle for each of them just to put on pants. I repeat, pants. And, that happens every day. They can physically put on pants, no problem. It’s just funny to resist and watch daddy’s poor reaction. They wake up at odd hours too often and, most days, don’t really care if my wife and I get to eat, shower, or even go to the bathroom. I don’t think they believe we need to sleep at all. We just lurk around all night waiting for them to get up and feed them breakfast. It’s not intentional, mind you, they’re just irrational. As any parent of little ones can tell you . . . it’s wonderfully beautiful and extremely stressful at the same time.
As you can see, it’s easy for my life to devolve into a stress mess. A few years ago, as I was about to suck it up for the five-hundredth time, I came across this quote by Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” And, of course, that’s right.
I realized that day that I needed a different approach to my stress. It would literally be insane to keep putting my head down and plowing through this stuff. I was sick of the dance. But, I realized that my job isn’t going to change anytime soon and all of a sudden become easier. My kids aren’t going to magically become ten years older and easier to manage. Besides, I want that part to take forever even though it’s grueling at times. So, what I desperately needed was a different approach to coping with my stress. I needed to eliminate the stupid stress I carry and focus more on solving my big problems. I made it a goal that day to find a better stress management and stress reduction plan. And, after thinking about it for a long time, that is exactly what I discovered. These weekly tips are one of the ways I want to share that strategy with you.
A Better Way to Deal with Stress
We all carry stress. That’s actually a good thing, at least to a certain extent. In fact, stress is the body’s way of saying, “this will be challenging, but we can do this.” Stress exists to get our attention, to focus our minds. If each of us aren’t a little bit stressed most of the time, then we aren’t trying hard enough at life. Making a difference in a career, community, or family is hard. Success in anything worth having must be earned. So, a fulfilling life necessitates some stress.
The problem is we carry too much stress about the wrong things. We are haunted by the big stressors in our lives and then poked at by the little ones. So, here’s the secret. Radically decrease the minor stressors in your life so that you can deal more appropriately with the big ones. Let’s break this down:
There are certain things that we should stress over – major stressors, let’s call them. These are things like broken family relationships, a drug or alcohol problem, the inability to stop cheating in romantic relationships or at school / work, major unhappiness at work or in a career field, and other big life problems. These issues are major stressors and appropriately so. There is little I can do to help you here. Instead, you must dedicate the time and energy it takes to fight your way back into the light. To eliminate this type of stress, you may need to literally change your life.
The best way to accomplish life change is to first eliminate or significantly reduce our minor stressors. Minor stressors are things the that trouble us but really shouldn’t. In this category lies: perfectionism, impatience, failure to apologize when merely saying “I’m sorry,” could halt a fight. You know, the little-ish stuff that we could fix by just swallowing a little bit of pride, reacting differently, and accepting that we are humans who mess up and are never perfect. Remedying minor stressors is a prime area where we can saw major points off of our stress score.
These weekly tips will help you reduce / eliminate your minor stressors so that you can focus on the big stuff that is troubling you. There is nothing magic about these posts. So, please don’t expect that. They are just things you can do daily to focus your mind on letting go of the smaller stressors. Over time, your stress score will go down. Here we go . . .
I recently scrolled through a somber series of Facebook posts from a former student. She graduated when I first started teaching, but I remember her well. She was smart, savvy, and had a confident personality. While muddling around my feed, I discovered she received a cancer diagnosis years ago. She thought her treatment had been effective. But, recently, she announced that her cancer reemerged. The response . . . crickets, virtual silence.
Only a few of her friends responded at all to this bad news. There were a few random likes to her post. That was confusing to me. Were people liking that her cancer was back or hitting “Like” to demonstrate solidarity. It seemed vague and inappropriate. A few days later, I noticed that she became angry and posted that no one cared about her news. That caused a few more people to write some words / paragraphs of encouragement on her feed. Finally, she posted that she wished people would call her and not post anymore [expletive deleted] “Hallmark cards” on her timeline. It was obvious that she was frustrated and scared by the whole situation. After receiving such bad news, it hit her hard that her Facebook friends were too busy to call. At that point, everything just exploded on social media (the worst forum in the world to talk about important and sensitive stuff like this). The whole thing made me sad.
It also got me thinking (again) about our overwhelming “busyness.” By this I mean the seeming inability we each have to plug into to the lives of others because of how much we always have going on. It seems like every time I ask someone if they can do something, they are busy. And, every time I plan an event for my students to attend, most have excuses about how busy they are and why they can’t make it. Others come reluctantly and then rush out the door immediately after the event. Everyone’s calendar is jam packed – all the time! I used to be in the circle as well . . . until I acted on the following stress reduction tip.
To Be Or Not To Be . . . So Busy
In the dictionary the word busyness means, “the quality or condition of being busy” (dictionary.com). Duh, Corey. That definition explains very little. Wait for it. There is a secondary definition as well. This is the more appropriate meaning for how we spend much of our time these days:
Busyness: “Lively but meaningless activity.”
Uh-oh! That hits pretty close to home doesn’t it? This secondary definition is exactly what I see every day. We are extremely busy, but our busyness pertains to some relatively meaningless stuff – especially in the big scheme of our lives. At the same time, we feel more emptiness and loneliness than we should. Here is how this happens.
Socrates warned, “Beware the barrenness of an overly busy life.” That is a powerful warning indeed. We fill our lives so full. It’s our quest to do more, be everywhere, plug in to everything, multi-task. The problem is that we humans aren’t so good at being omnipresent. It’s hard to be really good at anything using this approach. Expertise takes time and attention. And, it’s impossible to have really strong friendships when your calendar is chock-full. Friendships require quality time and not a calendar slot.
The worst part is that we fill our lives up and they still feel barren. Socrates was right. Ever been there? I have. I have been the loneliest at the times when I didn’t have enough time to do anything. This loneliness caused me stress and a loss of happiness. So, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do and made myself busier and busier. Of course, that made it worse.
With all this in mind, here’s my advice. Reducing stress and being authentically happy is like having a garden where stuff actually grows. You surely know that if you have a garden full of weeds little will grow. But, it’s also true that a garden too full of flowers won’t grow very well either. Gardens need space to breathe in order to flourish. Just like we do. It’s time for each of us to conduct a good weeding out of our lives.
Hence, our second Stress Tip: Weed Out Your Life.
Weed Out Everything Except Your Two Favorite Endeavors
The best way to start weeding out your life is to start with a list. Your homework is to remove family, friends, work, health, and faith (your core) from this equation and then write down all the other things you do with your time. The key is to include everything you spend more than 2 hours a week doing outside of your core. So, you would not include family dinners, hanging out with friends, working out, or going to church, for example. This is the stuff that you would never want to cut out of your life. And, you don’t need to. There is plenty of time to focus on your core.
It’s the other stuff that’s killing us by sucking up our remaining precious time. My students would call these their extracurricular activities. That term works for us in the real world too, so let’s go with it. These were my extracurricular activities before I weeded out my life:
- Woodworking (we like to build furniture for our kids)
- Soccer Coach for Sophie’s Kicking Kangaroos (we’re amazing!)
- Social Media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn)
- Non-Profit Board Memberships (x2 boards)
- Learn to speak Italian
- Read the newspaper cover to cover
- Offer to sit on my HOA Board
- Opportunity to buy and fix up rental homes
- Learn how to golf
With your list in hand, pick the two things you love the most and then stop (or radically reduce) the other stuff. Remember, this stress reduction tip only allows you two things outside of your core areas – family, work, health & faith. That stuff should not make this list. Keep in mind that your core areas should take up the vast majority of your time anyway. So, we are playing with the margins here. But, the margins are where the stress comes from. These are our extra precious hours week to rest and encourage our life (our garden) to grow.
I chose being a soccer coach and woodworking. I quit the two non-profit boards. I repeat . . . quit. I thought these organizations would be upset with my departure. Instead, they thanked me. I was missing board meetings because of all the other stuff I was doing. It was fairly sobering that I was thanked for leaving. But, I wasn’t giving them my best attention anyway. They were right to be happy and my quitting proved to be a win-win.
I drastically cut down my social media time. Now, I’ll scan through my social media maybe for fifteen minutes a day, at the longest! Think of the time I’m saving there. Looking in on how my friends were spending their precious time was taking up far too much of my precious time.
I declined the HOA Board offer and the rental property business will have to wait. I stopped reading every page of the newspaper and vow to take up Italian in 2019 if things calm down. I can golf better when I’m retired J
In the end, I picked my two extracurricular endeavors and I am noticeably less busy. I have more time and energy for my core stuff. My workouts are better because I’m not so tired. I can plug in with my kids more. I have the bandwidth now to focus on my core and just to breathe.
Now, it’s your turn.
Be More Efficient
There is one other tactic you can employ to give yourself more time. Be more efficient with the stuff you do. In other words, be faster without losing quality or effectiveness. Let me explain:
I have a buddy who is a partner in a law firm. He is supposed to bill a lot of hours as that’s how lawyers get paid. The problem he faces is that he doesn’t bill as many hours as his colleagues. He still gets all his work done – he’s just better and faster at it then they are. So, when his bosses ask him why he doesn’t bill more hours, he responds, “I don’t need to.” It’s an awkward conversation in a big law firm, believe me.
Becoming this efficient is an aspiration of mine. I want to be as efficient as I can be in all of my tasks. If only I could respond to emails more quickly. Or, create my lectures slides more efficiently. Wouldn’t it be amazing to write more efficiently without losing quality? The faster I can knock these important tasks out, the more time I have to spend on other priorities.
Here is a great approach to begin to become more efficient:
- FOCUS – only on the task at hand. Turn off all the noise around you. I now write with my email closed and my phone placed in another room. Those email and social media notifications were killing my efficiency. I never have headphones in my ears as music distracts from my focus. These days I just focus solely on the task at hand. This allows me to write and think much more quickly without losing quality.
- PLAN – I am always more efficient when I have a plan. For my writing, it’s an outline. For my speaking, it’s a timeline of when I am going to get to parts of my talk. For my classes, it’s knowing how much I can cover in two hours with maximum effectiveness. My wife and I even plan our weekends fairly thoroughly or we get swept up in playing with the kids and forget to finish our taxes.
- ALWAYS IMPROVE – I always try to get better at my job and every other part of my life. I am satisfied with how I perform these days. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t be better. I take note of the mistakes I make and try not to make them again. I keep track of which processes are most efficient and I implement them more consistently.
So Now What?
Play around with these tips this week. Strive to become more efficient – even if it’s for something little this week like paying the bills or doing the laundry. Focus solely on the task at hand and turn off the noise. Just get it done. Make a plan for everything this week and follow it. You will be amazed about how much time this saves you on the margins. Finally, continually seek to do things faster and more efficiently without compromising quality.
At the same time, make your extracurricular list and whittle it down to two endeavors outside of your core. It will be tough to quit stuff, I know. But, trust me, it’s in your best interest – and likely the best interests of all the other people you shortchange via your busyness. Once this is done, you’ll have time to call your friends instead of texting them or leaving them a trite social media comment. You will have time to sit back and ponder what’s next in your life. In the end, remove some weeds from your life and you will be able to breathe again.
I remain very confident that, if you do this consistently, your stress score will drop. You will then have more bandwidth to deal with life. And, that’s what our society needs more than anything – some people with the bandwidth to plug in to their families, their jobs, and their communities and make a bigger difference. You will never do this when you are overwhelmed with stress. At that point, you are just trying to get through to tomorrow. Just like I was. So, it’s time to stop the insanity and try something different. In this quest for a more peaceful and less stressed-out life, I wish you the Best of Success!
Check back next week for another tip.
- Check out COREYSPEAKS.COM for more on popular keynote speaker Corey Ciocchetti. Corey has keynotes on happiness, integrity, ethical leadership, ethical decision-making, morale, stress reduction, and professionalism. Corey has spoken in 44 states and over 250 cities since 2007.
- Check out Corey’s other cool ethics blog posts on LEADERSHIP and HAPPINESS – you won’t regret it.
- Corey’s new book is available now: INSPIRE INTEGRITY: CHASE AN AUTHENTIC LIFE
